Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
