You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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