Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
