Apparently you make a good broom.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
