im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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