I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
