a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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