how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She told me I should be a condom model.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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