So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
