just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm just crazy horny about you
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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