Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
