my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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