I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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