I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
