not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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