Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
