new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
