u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
