I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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