Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
