I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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