I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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