An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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