It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
