for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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