apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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