We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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