a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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