when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
