i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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