so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
