i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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