I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize