my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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