yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
