I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
