i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
