I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
