the day after is always just damage control
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
