just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
