That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
