Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
