I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
