Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
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I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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