i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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