grandma shit on top of the toilet
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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