At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Randomize
