just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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