It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
