Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
