I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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