Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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