You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
