remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
