Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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