I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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