Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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