He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
