I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
