if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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