I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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